In March, we talked about the Karpman drama triangle, also known as the dramatic triangle, and the savior posture.
Remember, the Karpman triangle refers to all those situations from which we emerge a little bitter-mouthed, feeling a certain malaise as if the relationship were unbalanced.
The 2nd pillar of this triangle, called the victim, is the role we put ourselves in, consciously or unconsciously, every time we say to ourselves or to someone else: “why does this kind of thing only happen to me?!!”, “it's not my fault, so-and-so did it”, e.g. “it's not my fault if I'm late, it's the train” (but did I think to warn the person waiting for me? Did I anticipate taking an earlier train if it was a job interview?). “It's not my fault, it's my colleague who didn't give me the information” (did I go and get it? Did I give clear deadlines? Did I warn my manager in advance that I was missing important information before submitting my report?)
To put it plainly, when I'm in a victim position, I always feel helpless, defenseless, without the skills, I complain about what's happening to me, how my colleague, my boss, my company, my family, my friends, my country don't help me, don't support me, don't do anything for me. “I'll never make it” ‘I suck’. I may or may not be conscious of putting myself in this position.
The victim has a deep sense of powerlessness, incapacity and incompetence. This may be in a particular area or in general. It's often linked to biased beliefs linked to upbringing, family environment, school, work and societal culture.
Of course, there's no judgment in what I'm describing. We can all fall into this role. The important thing is to be aware of it and, as soon as we do, to try to get out of it.
How can we help someone we catch in this position? Or help ourselves if we catch ourselves in this posture?
Avoid the tempting “Don't be a victim” ;-) Let's remember that the person isn't doing it on purpose, it's not for fun that they feel this way and say this. Their feelings are what they are at a given moment.
Here are a few questions that may be helpful:
“What would need to happen for this situation to change?”
“What would you need for this situation to change?”
“Who could help you?
“What have you achieved in the past that could be useful to you today?”
- “What could inspire you?”
“What would you need from me?” (if we're willing to help, otherwise don't ask of course;-))
There are 2 key aspects to these questions:
1. you may have noticed a progression: first we ask the person to think about how they can cope on their own, with what resources, what means. Then we ask them to think about outside help.
2. Every helping relationship must have a planned end, otherwise, remember the March newsletter, we turn into saviors who make their victims dependent (even if this was not our original intention). Helping means acting as a crutch for a while, while the person develops certain skills and regains confidence in the situation.
NB. You can only quote Karpman if you feel that the person is capable of listening and understanding, and because you know that they are working on themselves (personal development). I wouldn't recommend it in the moment, when the person is in the midst of an emotional reaction and risks feeling judged rather than guided.
NB. Picture from Wikipedia
댓글